Host: Mark Ryes (MR)

Guest: Pam Spurr (PS)

MR: Hello there, I'm Mark Ryes. Welcome to today's show, which is brought to you in association with AXA PPP Healthcare. We're talking about how you keep your relationship alive. Well, long after the honeymoon period is over is the spark still there or have the kids made it go away? What happens if you're slightly older and your sex life is on the wane? Well, I'm joined today by a woman who's got, hopefully, all the answers, Dr Pam Spurr, radio and TV psychologist and of course, resident psychologist for 'Big Brother', you will know her. Pam, welcome along Dr Pam.

PS: Hello, Mark.

MR: Lots of questions coming in. It's a difficult one but first let's do the strange thing. Identify the honeymoon period, where are we likely to experience problems do you think?

PS: Oh, the honeymoon period, you know, that rush of passion. You can only think about that one person you've met, they are the be all and end all of your life.

MR: Your heart pounds.

PS: Oh, your heart pounds and you get all palpitations and the sort of sweaty palms when you think about them and you bore your friends silly ...

PS: ... because of course, that's the person that you care more about than anything. Well what happens ... it' really our body chemistry goes into overdrive when we meet someone we're attracted to and if it's mutual then literally your body chemistrys, you know, sort of talk to each other. And this actually has been shown by science to last about a year.

MR: So they've done scientific studies of this as well then?

PS: Exactly, and you have for a year this heightened sense of your biochemistry sort of on overdrive and a lot of people find though that after about six months it kind of eases off and then by about a year it's when things start to settle into hopefully, a deeper relationship.

MR: Well, they do say, don't they, there's a very old proverb I guess, that says if you put a penny in a jar every time you make love in the first year and then take it out every time after that, you'll never empty the jar, which is a bit sad really.

PS: It is sad but it's true and the thing is that people put a lot of emphasis on how many times they have sex as their relationship goes on and I always say it's not about quantity, it is about quality. If you two have found a way where, you know, you have wonderful sort of lovemaking once a month or once a fortnight or whatever, that's better than putting yourself under pressure to do what the national average says and maybe that's twice a fortnight or something. You know, we should never look at what other people are doing. We should think about what works for us and that's what's important

MR: Thank you very much. You can submit your questions to us right here, right now, we are live. There is a little box just underneath where you're watching us and if you submit your question to us it will come through here in the studio. We'll try and get through as many as we possibly can. Dr Pam I want to start with the perennial question of kids. When you have kids, yes of course you're going to go off sex for a while because first of all there's sleepless nights, then they're running around, it's difficult. Let's talk about marriage and kids then, shall we. First question is from Lou, that's come on in, thank you for your question, Lou. She says, "My children often want to sleep in bed with my husband and I. He keeps allowing it. As a result it's been a long time since we've been intimate. It's obviously not ideal. How can I entice them back to their bedroom so that I can get a love life back?"

PS: Well, the most important thing that Lou is going to have to do is find out why her husband's allowing this. Is it because he just simply thinks that, 'Well, we should have our young children in bed with us, it's nice, family cuddles', you know a lot of people feel that way or is he actually hiding from intimacy? Because sometimes men or women use the children in the bed to actually put a barrier between the two of you. So perhaps maybe he's a bit tired out, maybe he's finding it stressful as, you know, a young father and the best thing she can do is talk to him. Ask, you know, why does he keep allowing the children in and try and really get to the real crux of the issue. A lot of people will find that it's simply once they've opened up these possibilities and when she's shown that she wants an honest answer, then he'll be honest back and if he says, you know 'Oh yes, I am tired and it's kind of easier just to have the children in bed with us' they can start really working, moving forward. Now Mark, I don't know if you have young children.

MR: No, no.

PS: Okay, well I went through this myself and had two young children at one point in my life. What you then need to do is what I call 'paste withdrawal' and the two of you have to show a united front, that you first off, allow the children a longer bedtime story in their own bedrooms.

MR: Sure, yeah.

PS: So you give them a lot of fussing and attention in their own bedroom.

MR: I guess making sure that that space feels safe for them is very important.

PS: Absolutely! You've hit the nail on the head. Make sure all their favourite cuddly toys are maybe around them, maybe on a shelf above them and you can talk about how their toys are going into dreamland and they're going to go into dreamland and make it feel like a really good place to be. If they fuss and fret, you then just stand at the doorway for maybe the next night, you stand there and reassure them. And then the next night, you sort of stay a bit further, you're out in the hallway and you talk to them but slowly you withdraw from allowing them to dominate the bedtime routine and you can do it and Lou can do it. Lou, I'm telling you now, you can do it if you actually enlist your husband, find out what's going on with him and then the two of you can move on together.

MR: So there are ways around it, there's always a way around it. Let's go to our next question. Cathy wants to know, and this is a question I'm sure you hear all the time, "I've been off sex since the birth of my child three years ago and now just have sex to keep my husband happy." She says, "I've been to a counsellor and doctors. They've all said to take it easy, start off with massage and things like that." So it's important, isn't it, to think about where you are with it. But she also says, you know, that she's afraid her husband will go off her and will leave her if she doesn't give him sex. She's feeling pressured, I guess.

PS: Okay, well, three years Mark, you might think that's an extraordinary time to be off sex. I would absolutely have to query post natal depression. And of course, Cathy has said that she went to counsellors and doctors. I'm not sure what she saw them for or whether post natal depression was explored with her but there's a fantastic ... you know, ways of dealing with it even three years on. You've got to remember the late Princess Diana said she had post natal depression for years.

MR: Indeed.

PS: It can go on for years untreated so she needs to go back and request proper treatment and exploration to see exactly could it be post natal illness. Once she's got that done she has to set boundaries with him and say, 'Listen darling, I'm trying my best, I'm trying to get better. We need to do this together' and what I would recommend is strongly trying to build the rest of their relationship out of the bedroom.

MR: It certainly sounds as if she's got ... she really feels she's at the end of her tether, she feels pressured into having sex. She's asking, 'Should I go' but you're saying really it is worth talking about and giving a chance to and ...

PS: Never be pressured into sex, particularly by say, a husband who maybe just seems to not understand the situation, which Cathy's question gave that impression, that he just simply doesn't understand perhaps why, three years on, she could feel off sex. So get that sorted, the post natal illness sorted. Try with him to generate a bit of feel good factor outside of the bedroom, so that they're doing things like maybe recreate a little romance and affection so that he actually sees her in a new light. Not just 'Oh, Cathy, who always is complaining about being off sex.' So she needs to sort herself out. He needs to get on board with a bit of recreating that feel good factor and hopefully then, they might feel like getting a little more intimate.

MR: We've had a host of medical questions come in. You're not a medical doctor, you are a psychologist but what would your advice be? Go to your doctor, check yourself out? We'll come on to some specific kind of medical ideas later on but would that be your advice?

PS: Oh, absolutely. If someone is worried about any ongoing, say, emotional state even, just like Cathy was, go to your doctor in the first instance because it may be a depression or something like a post natal illness so you must go along and try and get a medical opinion for any such query.

MR: And of course, we are brought to you with AXA PPP Healthcare. You've got their website, haven't you, which it's possible to go along to.

PS: I have and people should definitely check out www.axappp.healthcare.co.uk.

MR: And if you're looking for a link there's one right at the bottom of our page underneath the chat that we're having right now. Let's go through to some more intense problems. You're in a relationship but inevitably, at some point you're going to hit the rocks over various things. Bill needs some help, he says, "I've been married for thirty years, I do love my wife but my problem is that I need sex far more often than my wife does. I've recently embarked on an affair with a northern lass ...", I think the question's just disappeared. I wonder if we could just bring it back onto the screen for me. So he's embarked onto an affair ... there we go ... but he says he doesn't love that woman, "How can I encourage my lady wife to take part in the activity more and rekindle the physical side of our marriage? The last time we made love was at Christmas. Until a few years ago we were very active together."

PS: Well Bill, the very first thing you need to do is the energy you've just been giving to this person, this bit on the side or however you want to call her, you've got to put that energy into making your wife feel good and loved. Mark, the big problem here is, after thirty years we get into a dull, stale, boring routine and people forget ...

MR: And if one person's much more highly sexed than the other, that can be really difficult, can't it.

PS: And it is a very typical problem but what you need to do is try and find a middle ground that satisfies you both and then of course, Bill can look after his own needs occasionally. But by getting his wife on board with that wonderful sense that he actually cares about her. What he should do, he should take her on a stroll down memory lane. A fascinating piece of psychological research showed that people who rekindled their first few dates and remembered why they'd fallen in love in the first place actually generated more sensuality and wanted to you know, sort of get into bed more quickly with each other. So Bill what I'd say is get on down, get her out to where they first dated, remember why they both fell in love. And also again, if it's thirty years into a relationship and she's completely lost interest in sex, got to query, has she gone through the change, the menopause or something and perhaps she's feeling a bit low too? So open up that sort of dialogue too about how she's really feeling.

MR: Excellent. I guess it's always difficult and it doesn't have to be that long, thirty years. Meeting middle ground is important in every relationship.

PS: Oh Mark, such a good question. People after eighteen months will need to meet a middle ground, people after five years will need to meet a middle ground. Even the best relationship has hurdles and it's how you face the hurdles, where you actually learn to get to the root of the problem, whatever it is, it's how you then proceed with that relationship, making it stronger and better or falling at that hurdle.

MR: Good advice from Dr Pam as you can see. Keep your questions coming in. Just underneath where we're chatting to you, on your screen you'll be able to see a little box that you can submit your questions to this chat that we're having here, brought to you by AXA PPP Healthcare. I've got a bit of a cry for help from someone who's remained anonymous. Fine, if you want to do that, no problem at all. "I'm a thirty one year old married man and have two children. I consider myself to be happily married but I find I keep having more and more thoughts about having sex with men. I have a couple of gay friends who I'm sure have feelings for me. I've considered finding out if they do. I love my wife, I don't think I can conceal my compulsion any longer. I feel I need to experience sex with another man and it's tearing me apart. What should I do?" Difficult question.

PS: It is a very difficult question because; first off let me say a lot of people have sexual fantasies that take them into realms where they might actually not act it out. You know, they don't necessarily want it to become a reality. But in his use of the word 'compulsion' it tells me that this fantasy of his ...

MR: Has got stronger.

PS: ... has got stronger and stronger and really, it may be a part of him that perhaps he really would, you know, benefit from having chosen the gay life. Perhaps, maybe he's a bisexual man and I do think that sexuality can be quite fluid.

MR: They do say it's a scale that everybody's on ...

PS: Exactly.

MR: ... and that nobody's on one end or the other.

PS: But what he's got here, he's got a marriage and two children and he should never ever ... I can never condone infidelity. So I don't believe that he should go off and experiment to find out about his sexuality. What he needs to do is ... we were just talking about hurdles and this is a big hurdle, face his wife in a calm moment when the children are maybe at a friend's house, when he knows they can have a talk and say, 'Listen Honey, I love you but I have these feelings' and work it out. And that ... it takes courage, it takes bravery ...

MR: Well it brings us to the section on open relationships, because people do have good open relationships. It doesn't work for everyone, we know it doesn't work for everyone. What's your kind of take on that because, I mean, once you've had that conversation you might find that your partner is also after something else as well.

PS: I recently talked to a woman in my life-coaching practice who had decided she loved her husband enough to stand by the fact that he was gay. He had married her in good faith; he did love her, he loved her as a person.

MR: Sure.

PS: But sexually it was not working for him. They had two young children, a happy marriage aside from this and she decided that that's how they were going to live, in an open relationship. Now again, she had a very pragmatic view of life and she could see the benefits of staying with him, with the children because they were great friends

MR: Aha, yeah.

PS: But that won't work for everyone so again, unless you have the courage to face your partner and spell things out and explore with them what they want, you won't find the best solution.

MR: I guess not every relationship is based on sex anyway.

PS: Absolutely and this woman, who as I say, was coaching, is a perfect example of that. You know, sex to her was not the be all and end all. His friendship and him as a father was.

MR: Interesting stuff. Do keep your questions coming in. Louis wants to know, "How do I keep the spark alive in my long distance relationship?" I've been in a long distance relationship, it is very difficult.

PS: Louis, I have been in a long distance relationship myself and the thing that works most, and Mark, I don't know if you've tried this, it's so easy just to send an email or send a text, it doesn't take a lot of effort. Do something like think about the person you love. What are they missing? Maybe they've had to move away for a job or something. Buy them their favourite chocolate bar, something they won't be able to get hold of and post them little tiny gifts; it doesn't have to take a lot of money.

MR: I guess these days it's easier to stay in contact than it was ten or twenty years ago, with email, with texting, with webcam even.

PS: And that can be great and it can be flirty and it can be fun but it also, you know ... his partner realises that it doesn't take a lot of effort. He can be texting all his other friends at the same time to. So put the effort into special little gifts and then when you get on the phone or you know, if you've got webcams, you can keep things quite spicy by having good old fashioned phone sex or, you know, over the PC you can have a real great time together so you can keep things quite hot that way.

MR: You heard it hear first, Dr Pam says it's good old fashioned phone sex.

(Laughter)

MR: Sorry. (Laughter). We're going to change the pace now and look at questions relating to younger people because we're about half way through our programme today, brought to you by AXA PPP Healthcare. If you want to keep your questions coming in, please do. Underneath where you're watching us now, you'll see a little box to actually send your questions in. So, younger people in relationships. Amanda wants to know, Dr Pam, if her relationship has a future. She says, "I'm in my late twenties now. My boyfriend's thirty-four. We've lived together for five years and get on really well." The big problem is that she wants children or at least she does in the future but he says marriage and children are not for him, no way. Should she end it now or try and persuade him? Will he change?

PS: Okay, well you know what, Mark, the first question I'd ask Amanda and Amanda, I'm going to address you ... do you trust him? Is he a man that you've loved because you believe what he tells you? Because if she does believe what he tells her, she has to believe him. He does not want children. And people will stick with these things and it can be the man who wants the children, the woman who says no. People stick and think, 'If I pressure, if I cajole, if I prove to them they'd be a great parent I'll get them to change their mind.

MR: Does pressure work then? Can it every work?

PS: No, because it usually backfires. The person either runs out of the relationship or, you know, you end up just fighting and arguing and whatever. But if she believes him across the relationship she has to take what he says as the truth. Now the next thing I would say to Amanda is then ... some people have to face this. Does that person matter more than children? How would she feel about a life without children? Could she get involved with children in another way? Could she maybe offer to baby-sit regularly or maybe she has nieces and nephews or something. Could she become one of those ... you know, get involved in a youth group? Is there another way of satisfying that need? But if that wouldn't satisfy the need then perhaps she needs to look at saying to him, 'I'm going to give you six months to think about it. I do love you. For six months can we just think about this?' Perhaps take him out with family, friends, their children. See how he feels and if he still says no she has to make that decision. And there's no guarantee because Mark, guess what, Amanda could go along, find the next man ... he doesn't want children.

MR: True, well true.

MR: True, well true.

MR: Pam, great advice. Maria wants to know, "I recently met a nice guy but I'm afraid to get intimate with him as I've got scars on my stomach from surgery. How do I explain exactly what I've got without scaring him off?"

PS: Oh, you see this goes right to the heart of ... the majority of women and a lot of men have issues with their body.

MR: Does anybody feel good about the way they look, honestly?

PS: Especially when it's in the bedroom with a nude lover!

MR: Exactly.

PS: No, we all have little hang ups and, of course, she feels scarring on her stomach from surgery is something that's going to scare him off. The very first thing I want to say to you Maria, is take your time, never rush, until you trust him and feel you can tell him, 'I've got these scars, I'm frightened I'm going to put you off, you shouldn't be going to bed with him. Because in this sort of case you need trust. I never believe in people rushing into bed if they can't talk. Talk first before you share your body. Once she feels comfortable and confident and she can actually say to him, 'I'm so worried that this is going to put you off', he'll probably say, 'I love all of you!' You know, once they get to that point in a relationship he will probably not have any qualms. Men don't see those things in the same way we do.

MR: I can be absolutely honest. A former partner of mine had some scarring, never even really noticed. Didn't even really notice.

PS: Exactly. We women are so guilty of noticing those lumps and bumps and scars much more than men so take her time, talk to him when she finally feels comfortable and hopefully, he'll just say, 'Maria, I love you and it doesn't matter.'

MR: Oh, I hope it all works out for you. Kevin wants to know, "I'm hoping to boost the romance in my relationship. Do you think a weekend away would work or do I need to be more creative than that?"

PS: Oh, 'More creative' ... Oh, Kevin, I already love this guy!

MR: Sounds like the ideal man, doesn't he.

PS: Exactly, because you know, the fact that he wants to do something that's creative shows just how much he cares for his partner. First off I'd say a weekend away is great but a lot of people don't have that kind of money, you know ...

MR: True.

PS: ... and to make it say, a really luxurious and exotic weekend away but think of something that ... again, that creative thing. You know I recently thought, because my husband said he'd like to do ... you know, we're not hunters or anything and I'm not a gun person.

PS: But he'd like to do clay pigeon shooting.

MR: Okay.

PS: And I thought, 'Wow!' I'm going to surprise him one weekend, just take him out and drive him out and say we're going out for a surprise day out on a Sunday and it's going to be clay pigeon shooting. So Kevin, think about what she's said to you. Maybe she's always wanted to go in a hot air balloon. Do that, you don't even have to make it a whole weekend, so it doesn't even have to cost that much. Just arrange around something that she has said that she hasn't done. And that is the most creative and romantic that you can be I think.

MR: I heard a very romantic story from a friend of mine a couple of weeks ago now. Usual shopping trip on a Thursday night, drudgery around the supermarket, you know what it's like. Suddenly the tannoy goes, okay and I'll change their names to protect them. And the tannoy went, 'I have a special announcement for Michael and Susan. Michael, Susan loves you very much indeed'. I mean, how to completely change a drudgery day into making you feel fantastic.

PS: Oh, that's amazing. You see that's the thing, the little surprises that don't cost a lot of money, they take creativity. But if Kevin can think around something that she had always wanted to do and create something around that then that would be very romantic.

MR: And apologies to the supermarkets if you suddenly get lots of requests.

PS: Exactly, new trend!

MR: We've got about ten minutes in our programme today. Remember you can still keep your questions coming in. I'm trying to get through as many as possible. Just pop it into the little box underneath where you're watching us. This programme's brought to you by AXA PPP Healthcare. Now, let's look at the way that you can achieve a healthy work/life balance. Always a difficult one, couples often complain about how stress affects their relationships. Bree wants to know ... what a nice name, 'Bree' ... "My husband and I have been very happily married for fifteen years. For the last five we've been running our own business, that's stressful in its own way." She says, "It's great because we seem to spend more time together but all we seem to talk about is the business. How can we separate business and pleasure?"

PS: Oh my gosh, you know, Bree is in the situation that so many people, especially small business managers, self-employed people find themselves in. How do you shut off, well they have got to agree some... it's going to become dull, dull, dull and completely boring unless they agree these ground rules. What I would suggest is they have a code word, that at night, if they've agreed that they're going to shut up shop, they're not going to talk about it. They're going to enjoy a dinner out or some wine tasting or something, if one of them mentions the business word, something to do with the business, the other one says the code word, like ... I don't know, it can be something silly like 'toaster, 'hippopotamus' and that tells the other person, 'No, you're going into the zone we can't even talk about', so they literally have to agree that ground plan. It is possible, they can do that. It's setting those boundaries, making a little bubble around their precious leisure time and the other thing I'd say is pick up something new to try. So if they say, have never tried ... you know, dancing is such a big thing right now, all the ballroom dancing.

MR: Absolutely and Salsa of course, is very popular now.

PS: Absolutely, salsa, you know, Bree, say to him, 'Because we're always talking about business on our time together in the evening, let's do something different. That will give us new enthusiasm.' So I'd recommend that. Get out on the dance floor or something.

MR: It is very difficult to separate business from pleasure. Are you the kind of psychologist that advocates never going to bed on an argument?

PS: I think it is very destructive, you know, what is the saying, 'Don't let the sun go down on an argument' or whatever. And I do think that if you do that people can lie there, I've had people tell me, 'I've lain next to my partner. It felt so cold, ...

MR: Fuming, fuming, yes absolutely.

PS: ... it felt so like we'll never get over this. I couldn't sleep all night.' And you feel worse in the morning.

MR: Of course you do.

PS: If you can always just try and calm things down before bedtime if you've been having a row or whatever and then actually just give each other a hug and say, 'You know, maybe we need to talk about this more but right now I want to just give you a hug before we go to sleep and tell you I love you and that we will get through this.' Far better than turning your backs on each other and having that cold, horrible silence.

MR: And these all ways of keeping the spark alive in your relationship. Sharon wants to know, "I'm so stressed at the moment, I don't even have time for my husband. He's now finding me very frustrating and it's leading to arguments. How can we get back to the way we were twenty years ago? I can't even remember the last time we had sex and enjoyed it."

PS: Sharon, never go back to the way you were twenty years ago, try something new. You know, what I always say is you'll never get back that golden ... that honeymoon phase that you asked me about at the beginning. So first off, why is she so stressed? She has to claim responsibility for that and say, 'Okay, where are the hotspots in my week?' And if she can't really work it out, she needs to keep a diary for the week, of what sets her off, what gets her stressed. Is it demands at work, is it demands of children, you know, she doesn't mention whether or not she has children. She then has to set some goals, 'How can I de-stress that area or that area?' whatever it is and claim responsibility and work to those goals. And sometimes, and people hate to do this if they're working extra hours for more money or whatever, they have to think. 'I'm going to de-materialise my life. Time is more important than being able to get a bigger home or bigger car and maybe she has to think in terms of, 'What am I so stressed for, what am I working towards that actually is destroying the best thing I probably have?' So a lot of food for thought for Sharon.

MR: I'm hoping that we're going to get a question in from one of our older viewers in a few moments time but let's just talk about how we can kind of begin just to make our relationships a little bit better for ourselves. Is there any kind of standard way that ... you're ticking along, a lot of relationships just tick along. Anything that you can do if you've lost your way? Leo wants to know, "I've recently patched things up with my wife after I've had an affair. How can I rejuvenate our relationship, get it back on track?"

PS: Well first off, you know, I always say if someone has had an affair ... you know Leo, you've had an affair and she's obviously accepted, you know, that you are going to get back together and she is going to work it with you. Look at what went wrong. People are often frightened, they think, 'Okay, okay, we're going to sweep it under the carpet.' First check out what led to that affair because there's all sorts of reasons. If you can get to the bottom of it, it's less likely to happen again in the future. When it comes to rejuvenation, as we were just saying, it's about shaking up a relationship and I firmly believe that ... A - People should keep dating each other. Like I make sure, my husband and I ... and my husband makes sure we still have dates where we go out and he'll surprise ... he'll book a restaurant somewhere and not tell me where it is or something. Or I'll book a film and not tell him what we're going to see, you know, we make it like it was when we first met. Little things like that done regularly ...

MR: I guess you keep seeing new things in your partner that way as well.

PS: Exactly, and new challenges, take up something new. I mentioned wine tasting earlier, I know that's become very popular and we've had movies, you know, about wine and whatever.

MR: Great night out as well.

PS: Exactly. Do something new that you can talk about and that actually makes you see each other as more interesting people rather than ... Mark, we've all been guilty, get home after a long day, flop out, telly dinner on our lap, you know, we don't even talk to each other. And don't forget why you fell in love. Always look at that person and think, 'I fell in love with them because of X, Y and Z and I'm going to make darn well sure that I remember that and don't take them for granted.'

MR: In the autumnal parts of our lives, Dr Pam, ...

PS: Oh, we've not reached that yet!

MR: No, no, no, we haven't. James is an older gentleman though, who has a sensitive question. He says, "I'm a widower who's just retired. I'm keen to meet new people but I'm unsure how to approach ladies. Can you help me?"

PS: well again, I think, you know James, you are most likely to meet people with likeminded interests, if you take up a hobby or interest where you'll meet those people. So it's always good to get on ... perhaps, I don't know if James is into gardening so he should go to the local ... you know, when they have gardening shows. Maybe he's into painting so he should go to an art class. Whatever you're interested in ...

MR: Classes and clubs are a very good way of meeting people of whatever age, aren't they.

PS: Absolutely, so that's just the very best way to get started because, not only are you there sharing an interest and you're going to be talking because if you're in a class situation or hobby situation, you know, there'll be, you know, an instructor or whatever, leading a discussion. And even if you don't find romance you're going to find more friendships and that's just going to boost his confidence about getting out there and talking more anyway. So be yourself, James and go for those interests and I really wish him the very best of luck. Love can never come too late.

MR: This is true. Dr Pam, we've only got about four minutes left so let's try and get some very quick questions in. Darren wants to know, "I split with my girlfriend three months ago ..." sorry to hear that Darren, " ... we've been together five years, seemed to run out of things to say to each other. I miss her terribly and want her back because I really think she's the one. What can I do to make sure it doesn't happen again if I do get her back?"

PS: Oh Mark, I'm so glad Darren brought this up. I'm sorry, obviously, for his heart ache but the thing, Darren, I want to say to you first is whatever broke you up, and you say it's because you kind of ran out of things to say, why did you run out of things to say? Whatever broke you up, if you can say, hand on heart, you can change that and she can change that issue, you've got a chance. The thing that happens, Mark, is people will say, 'I want to get back with my ex.' And they go right back into whatever they were doing wrong ...

MR: Yeah.

PS: ... they have not changed their attitude, they've not changed their behaviour, they've not changed the way they speak to each other or something, there's no hope. So if he can just go back to her and say, 'This is what I've learned since I've been apart from you; this is where I think we could do things better' and then say to her, 'What do you think?' and get again that communication going again, hopefully it'll work.

MR: Fantastic. Helen wants to know, "My husband does anything to avoid going to bed at the moment at the same time as me. What can I do to entice him up the stairs?"

PS: You know Helen, there are so many reasons why men avoid the bedroom and, Mark, I've got to say erectile dysfunction is very often one of them ...

MR: Indeed.

PS: ... where they do not ... you know, E.D. for short, they don't want to talk about their E.D. They feel ashamed, they feel embarrassed, they don't feel manly. So that could be one reason, I don't know so I'm not telling Helen that that is what he has but unless she gently, lovingly brings up the fact that she would love a little bit more affection, not sex, because maybe, you know, that would just freak him out ...

MR: Sure.

PS: ... just, she would love to share a warm cuddle ... and start on the sofa, being warm, affectionate and loving and saying, 'You know darling, I miss when we used to go to bed together, we'd chat or we'd read books together or whatever. Make it feel good so that he feels more comfortable about perhaps raising a very difficult issue like E.D.

MR: Absolutely and if you have got problems like that you should see your doctor but of course, it also ties in to our sponsors today as well and there is a website that we can go to, isn't there.

PS: Yeah, definitely, I mean people can check out the AXA PPP Healthcare website, I'll just say that again because I said that a bit quickly, www.axapppHealthcare.co.uk.

MR: And there is also a link at the bottom of our page. Just finally, Dr Pam, have you got three tips to keep our relationships sparky?

PS: Three tips to keep it sparky, okay. Surprise, always think of how you can surprise; birthday, anniversary, anything like that. Romance, don't forget compliments, doing little things for each other, that can all be romantic and I think always learning if there's a problem, don't let it brew. Confront it early and confront it when you're calm, not been drinking or anything, so those three things.

MR: Dr Pam Spurr, thank you so much for joining us.

PS: Thanks.

MR: I hope you've enjoyed the programme and it's helped you with maybe one or two problems today. We'll see you again very shortly and remember, this programme was brought to you by AXA PPP Healthcare.