Host: Janice Vee (JV)

Guests: agony aunt Denise Robinson (DR), psychotherapist Malcolm Stern (MS) and nutritionist Dr Sarah Berry (SB)

JV: Hi every one, I’m Janice Vee and welcome to today’s Web Chat and I love you. Well, not you, but those three words are so difficult for us to say. The Flora Love Report did a survey and one in four of us hardly even say I love you and one in ten people never say I love you! We’ve got a mass love in today with our Love Panel to help us find out why we don’t say I love you often enough and also to reveal why we Flora sponsored this survey. So joining us I’ve very happy to introduce agony aunt Denise Robinson, psychotherapist Malcolm Stern and nutritionist Dr Sarah Berry. The first question is from Howard, “Why is it so hard for people to say those three words?”

DR: I wish I knew, because I say them all the time, to my husband, my family, my dogs, and I love saying them, but I know it’s hard for a lot of people. Particularly for men. For one thing, there’s a degree of commitment with them, once you’ve said them you’ve crossed the Rubicon. We’ve spent centuries telling meant hat they shouldn’t display emotion, and although now we know that’s foolish, it won’t change overnight. I don’t worry to much as long as there’s a well rounded relationship, and he or she is very loving towards you, then the words are an extra. But I think Malcolm, you sometimes feel they are essential don’t you?

MS: I think it’s important to let your partner know how much you care about them on a regular basis. However, when it becomes mechanical and they just come out…

JV: See I thought that would be the case, when they are used too often and so flippantly.

MS: My daughter says things like that, but I think it’s quite difficult to open you r heart to another person, which is what your doing when you say I love you. You’re venerable because the other person could heart you and we guard ourselves from that.

DR: Another thing we’ve discovered and we laugh about it although it’s not really funny, we’ve been going up and down the country for a week and a tour bus and a lot of people told us that when they did say it their partner turned round and said what have you been up to? You must have something to be guilty about! So as well as knowing how to say it, we need to know how to receive it.

MS: Yes, and say it with meaning. Sometimes when people say I love you they’re actually asking a question, they’re saying do you love me?

JV: I see. Andrew says, “I always tell my girlfriend I love her and I don’t often hear it back because she says she struggles to say those words. How can we be so different and does it mean we’re not suited?”

DR: I don’t think it means your not suited, necessarily. I lot has to do with upbringing. If you’ve been brought up in a home where your mum says I love you every five minutes your going to find it relatively easy. If you’ve grown up in a home where they’ve said don’t be silly, don’t say too much, you’re going to find it quite difficult to change.

MS: I think that is absolutely spot on. We can train ourselves to improve, so if someone find it difficult you can encourage them and say it’s ok, I’m a safe person to say this with.

JV: In the survey there’s more men that find this difficult. 70% of women say I love you, but the men find it difficult.

DR: I think that is something to do with the fact that we nurture children more that men do although I’m happy to say that is changing. Every time I see a man pushing a pram I have a little holiday in my heart, because it used not to happen and now it can which is good. Because we allow our emotions out. I remember when my first husband died and I had a little boy, and everyone kept saying to him, come on now, you mustn’t cry, you must be a man now. I kept thinking to myself, if he’d been a little girl they’d be embracing him, no one would say stop crying, and we’re not fair to men.. They are equally loving underneath.

MS: I think there was a really sad picture in the papers once of a little boy of eight who had lost both his parents in the Lockerbie bomb disaster and the papers were praising him for being so brave that he didn’t shed a tear. Of course he was in shock and there was all this attention on him, but I think we should share people who do shed tears.

JV: Of course. Steph wants to know, she’s been married for 13 years and she finds it hard to understand what we mean by loving. She loves her husband but she’s not in love with him. Is that a problem?

MS: I have a book which I’ve written called ‘Falling In Love, Staying In Love’ and the first premise of that book is that any idiot can fall in love, it’s staying love that’s the hard bit. The real process of loving is a practise you need to keep regularly doing or it evaporates completely.

JV: Richard Levy has sent in a question, ‘Is one of the reasons that we aren’t so romantic these days because Valentine’s Day has become so commercial?’

DR: I think that is absolutely true, but I think it’s also because we’ve become too competitive. One of the things that really annoys me is that in work places and coffee mornings up and down the country people are saying what did he buy you? And if you were to say he didn’t buy me anything but he gave me the most loving day, as soon as you got out the room they’d say he was a cheapskate! It’s like children’s parties, we’re spending more and more money because we must be seen to be loved, we’ve got the biggest box of chocolates or whatever. I’d like to see us change, instead of saying what did he buy you, say what did he do for you. There was a lovely story recently of a man who didn’t buy a great big gift but on Valentine’s Day he suddenly said to his partner, ‘come with me into the next room,’ and he’d set a picnic out on the floor with candles and everything. That would have done it for me!

JV: So it’s making it special for the two of you. The diamond ring can wait until a marriage proposal!

DR: And also the loving thing, the message we’ve been trying to get across this week, is that in taking care of your partner, looking after their health is a very loving thing to do. I think Sarah has lots of tips on that.

JV: Well we’ve actually got a question for you Sarah, she’s planning a romantic Valentine’s meal to try to let her man know how special he is. Is the right way to a man’s heart through his stomach? Any tips for tomorrow?

SB: I think the important thing is to look after our hearts emotionally and physically too. I’m particularly concerned about the growing rates of heart disease in the country at the moment, and if we can prepare healthy food for our loved ones, then that’s a lovely way we can show them that we love them.

JV: What about aphrodisiacs? Oysters or avocado?

DR: I think taking the trouble to find out what your loved one really, really enjoys eating. My husband loves his food and never puts an ounce of weight on, it’s a sin! I know if I serve him something that he really, really likes, there’s a look, ooh you got this for me! So whether it’s healthy or not, it’s one day, get them something they really enjoy.

JV: Is chocolate off the menu? And champagne?

SB: Absolutely not. I believe a little bit of what is bad for you is good for you. In terms of aphrodisiacs, it’s been argued by scientists over the centuries if foods can have that effect, it’s something we actually don’t know. If your partner loves the food I think that will keep them in the loving mood more than any chemicals.

JV: Isn’t it the fact that chocolate releases something, is it serotonin?

SB: Yes and it releases endorphins. I think in my opinion it’s mythical. I think if you enjoy the food you eat and we can get the message home to keep your loved ones healthy by looking after their hearts then that’s the best aphrodisiac of all.

JV: So healthy alternatives. Peter Simmons wants to know, ‘Because Valentine’s Day is so commercial, do we feel more pressure to say I love you on that day more than any other?’

DR: I don’t think you should, because when Flora did the survey, 96% of people across the country said that what they liked better than anything was small gestures of love right across the year, and you could leave the big present on Valentine’s Day if right across the year they got that. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to be pressurised. Yes, it’s nice to make some effort, but love makes the world go round. This isn’t just an agony aunt talking mush, love literally makes the world go round, without love the world would ground to a halt. The Flora message is, little things really count. You should spread the love. Valentine’s Day isn’t only for lovers, it’s for the little old lady that lives across the street who gets shut out a bit. Let’s send Valentine’s all round and make the world a happier place.

JV: That’s a lovely idea, spread the love! David has sent in a question, “I need some advice please. Do women really invest a lot of emotion in Valentine’s Day? I’ve been seeing someone for less that a month so don’t want to make to much of an effort but I’m worried she’ll think I’m heartless if I don’t get her anything. What’s the happy compromise?”

DR: I think he’s the thinking man! I like the sound of him. It’s terrible if you’re not sure if you’re in a relationship for life to make it look as though you are. It’s really quite cruel. A nice compromise is a small gift, recognise the day but don’t go over the top.

MS: Yes. Small gestures regularly are far greater than a grand gesture.

JV: So hold off on the trip to Paris.

MS: Yes, although Paris is quite romantic!

DR: This guy is saying that he doesn’t want to create a false impression. A less nice man would say, what the hell, I’ll create the impression and what happens later doesn’t matter. This is a thinking guy and he’s absolutely right. He should give a small gift, and if in the office the next day they say he’s a cheapskate they are very wrong.

MS: Don’t go too far under either. If he gives her nothing to play it cool, she might start thinking he doesn’t care at all and she might start to disengage in the relationship.

JV: Peter says, “Me and my wife have been married for 29 long but happy years and on this Valentine’s we celebrate our thirtieth year. Are there any tips you can give us on maintaining that loving feeling and making sure it doesn’t die between us?

MS: The very fact that he’s asking that question mean he’s probably on that path already. The little things, like on-going appreciation, thoughtfulness about each other. And remembering that this person is very important in your life and not taking them for granted, but it sounds like he’s already doing that

DR: I would give him one little tip. If there is something that you did thirty years ago that you can recreate in some way. If I say to my husband, do you remember when? And he doesn’t he’s in big trouble! So if you remember something from all those years ago, go to that particular place or have a particular meal. Let her know you haven’t forgotten what it was like thirty years ago.

JV: Now Karen wants to know, “I want him, I need him, he said he loves me but my family don’t like him, help!”

DR: This is really tough and I’m not going to pretend it’s not. You have to make a judgement as to how much he means to you. My experience over a lot of years and a lot of this cropping up is that if they see he makes you happy, then in the end they will come round. The risk is there that they might not, and you have to make a judgement can you live without him or not. It’s your life, wonderful and as important as families are, if this relationship is the right one then it is more important. I would talk to your family and ask for good reasons as to why they don’t like him and weigh those reasons up. Sometimes families have an intuition and they could be right. You have to amass the information, make your decision and then go bravely forward.

JV: Sometimes families can be overprotective and just want the best for her.

DR: It’s tempting to say to the family, butt out, but families matter you can’t just push them aside, but you can’t let them run your life.

MS: Can I just say one thing though, she said ‘he said he loves me’ and I think there is an under-confidence coming through here. I\’d much rather hear her say ‘he loves me’, and she’d have much more to go to her family with. If I were her I’d start feeling for myself if that was true or not.

JV: Thanks Malcolm. David wants to know, “Is it worth me trying to stay with my partner after three years of her not communicating with me?”

DR: The thing I’m feeling instinctively here is to say no, after three years you are probably better out of it. If you feel real love for her and you want to stay, then it’s worth a try, but just staying doggedly on doesn’t work, you have to say to her ‘we’re not communicating, I want to communicate, will you come with me to Relate, shall we talk it through with somebody?’. What you can’t do is just stay there forever in non-communication because that will mean that you will grow bitter and you will have wasted precious time. There must be something that is stopping her communicating and if you can find that out, you can sort this out. Even if you then have to walk away, you can walk away knowing you gave it your best shot.

JV: And maybe tomorrow is a good day to do that.

DR: It can’t be too soon in my book.

JV: Get the romantic meal going and bring it up then.

MS: Communicating does fade in a relationship if it isn’t kept healthy. One of the things me and my wife did was got into a group with three or four other couples as a peer group, no one was running the group but we talked about our relationships with each other, and found the common ground and the common problems new had, and I think that helped a lot.

JV: Good advice. Johnny says he recently gave a dozen roses and a card to a very sweet girl at work he’s worked with for nearly three years. She took it really well and they’re going out next Tuesday, however he says, “we always struggle to make conversation with each other. It’s like a rush of blood to the head. What can we do?”

DR: I’m wondering if they are so in love they are too tongue-tied to talk! Can you not say, ‘I like you so much but I can’t think of anything to say?’ if you can be honest with her, then she may feel the same way too. You need to express this to her, because roses are expensive and you can’t keep on doing this for the next three years without having an end product! When somebody professes vulnerability and says, ‘I’m here with you now, it’s where I want to be, but I am terrified but I can’t think of what to say!’ that brings out ht protective instinct in the other person and you could find that by the end of the evening you’re really getting quite close. They are obviously interested in one another, so it’s not a question of disinterest, something is holding them back. I think it is because this means something to them and they’re both scared.

MS: I would say that’s absolutely right. I think there is a way of diving in there without going over the top and saying, ‘look, I’ve fallen in love with you’ which can be quite confrontational and you could get rejected. Say something like, ‘I’m getting to really like you’ and see what the other person’s response is. Don’t put it all out in one go, see if you’re batting on the same wicket.

JV: Mr D wants to know, “I’ve heard a lot about omega this and omega that, but feel a bit confused about it all, why do I need it in my diet?”

SB: Well basically Omega 3 and Omega 6 are essential fatty acids which means our body can’t actually make them. All the other fats that we need our body can make. Omega 3 can be primarily found in fish oils and some plant products. As a nutritionist I recommend something like the Flora spreads which mean that we can get a good intake fairly easily. Fish is quite difficult to find and is quite expensive so if you can have something like Flora which has both Omega 3 and 6 instead of butter, we’d get an adequate intake. They are essential for the heart, the skin, immune system, our nails, so many different bodily functions. I think the important thing to remember is that we must consume them, it is a fat but some fats are good for us and some are bad for us, and this is really good for us.

JV: What kind of Valentine’s food contains Omega 3 and 6?

SB: Oily fish is really rich in Omega 3 so you could serve something like salmon. For starters you could have asparagus but put some Flora on top so you are getting a healthy dose there.

DR: I adore asparagus and I’ve been served it in some wonderful places with a rich sauce that you dip it in that tastes of nothing, but if you dip it into Flora, mmm, yummy!

SB: Yes, and it’s good for your heart as well. That’s what we’ve been trying tog et across, we need to nurture our physical well being as well as our emotional well being, so while Malcolm and Denise have been dealing with the emotional side, I’ve been talking about the physical side. In the UK high cholesterol and blood pressure has become a really big problem. I’ve been trying to bring home the message that we can do some very small changes to large effect on the risks of these diseases, because it’s the little things that really matter. They can add up to making big changes on heart disease, which is one of the biggest killers in the UK. So while we’re talking about something that’s quite fun, there’s a serious side as well.

JV: So we need to lower our cholesterol.

SB: Yes, Omega 6 will help to do that and a top tip I always give to people is that we shouldn’t’ ban anything from our diet, so try and change some unhealthy options for some healthy alternatives, like from butter to a healthy spread, or from white bread to brown bread. There’s always going to be a healthier option to your favourite food. The wrong message gets out there sometime. We need to enjoy our food and our life.

JV: Tim has sent in a message, “How do you spread the love across continents? My girlfriend has just moved to Paris and we’ve been together for a year. I do really love her but I don’t think we’ve been together long enough to survive the move. I can’t move with her but don’t know if breaking up is the right decision. What can I do?”

DR: Where’s his problem! If the relationship is going to last it will certainly stand relocation. I’ve seen that happen a hundred times. If it won’t stand relocation it will have broken up anyway. And Paris, if he can go to Paris even occasionally where better to have a romantic time? I know what it’s like to have had a husband on the other side of the world, in the Merchant Navy, and if you love, you love, and you communicate. And we didn’t in those days have texting and all the things that you can do. He can send loving messages to her, he can make her aware of the fact that he is missing her, she can do the same thing and when they do come together it’s honeymoons all the time!

JV: Just hop on the Eurostar, I would definitely. Fallokel says, “Every time my husband touches me I do not feel anything. I’ve tried everything tog et myself in the mood but I just don’t feel anything. What can I do?”

MS: Again, her question betrays something, when she says she tries. As soon as we try anything, we’re doomed, because it’s going to fail. I think she needs to change some patterns, perhaps go away for the weekend to a beautiful country hotel, take the pressure off. Something that will change the way you are trying to relate.

DR: There are lots of places you can go and talk it though, lots of help lines you can call. I do have a number in my head, there’s an organisation called Careline on 020 8514 1177 and if she rings them they’ll put her in touch with someone in her area and she can talk it through with someone, and perhaps as Malcolm suggested move on and handle it herself. It’s not an uncommon problem, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him, and once it starts it tends to get worse and worse, because as Malcolm said she’s now trying so hard that she’s winding herself up.

MS: There is also a form of therapy called psycho-sexual therapy which I’ve seen as very valuable with lots of clients. Basically you retrain yourself and you have very set goals over a long period of time so you can reconnect with your partner. For example, take genitals off the market for a while, and you’ll be cuddling and caressing and you arrive at a certain junction, then you go back to the therapist to get your next lesson. That might be helpful in their case.

JV: The last question is from Kieran, “What are the panels top tips for a loving Valentine’s?”

DR: Mine would be, do not worry about what anyone else is going to thing about Valentine’s Day, think what your partner would really appreciate and don’t worry if it is not the conventional thing.

MS: Surprise your partner! Do something out of the ordinary and give them a great surprise.

SB: Mine would be that a healthy heart is a happy heart, so nurture their physical well being throughout the year.

JV: Is there a website we can go to for more information?

SB: There’s more information at www.loveflora.co.uk

JV: Thank you so much, and thank you at home for joining us for our love in! It’s been really good and have a fantastic Valentine’s Day tomorrow. Spread that love!